During the course of a conversation, or in the middle of a Roleplaying game, or in an e-mail, I sometimes come across little gems of composition that make me laugh, or that give me a new way of looking at the world. Like Haiku, a good Quote should cut straight to the heart of the matter, and it should make one think.

All of these quotes are used completely without permission and I reproduce them only to share the delight they have given me. I try to attribute authorship, where known. If anyone objects to me quoting them on this site, please contact me and I will remove the quote in question.

Roleplaying Pearls of Wisdom

  • “Buddha is not a roving encyclopaedia.”
    GM's comment after a number of Prayers for Guidance
  • “In the kingdom of the moronic, the half-wit will be king.”
  • “Torture is just asking questions forcefully.”

Quotes - Western Haiku

Great Moments in Roleplaying

"My problem is that RL keeps tossing stuff onto the burner. Pretty soon, it's all going to work out and I'm either going to have a really nice stir fry, or everything will catch fire and I will die."
- Jerry Han on the GZG-L discussion list.

"... the kind of pocket calculator that comes up with a different answer if the sums involved are in used notes ..."
- Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, 'Good Omens'

"As well as playing the fiddle and conducting, my hand can also hold money."
- Nigel Kennedy, violinist

"We're going to need a blowtorch and more peanut butter."
- Phineas and Ferb, Disney Channel

"... the club remains a popular and practical weapon wherever intelligent species gather."
- Gareth Hanrahan 'Traveller Core Rulebook'

"Outside a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read."
– Groucho Marx

“Oh man, conquering the world is so hard!”
- My daughter (playing a computer game)

“The rain gods were angry. Or happy, or careless; never could tell about gods.”
- Joe Haldeman ‘Forever Free’

“Bartenders tend to get nervous when people bring crew-served weapons to a knife fight.”
- Loren K. Wiseman on the Traveller Mailing List

“It is preferable to hear the flatulence of camels than the prayers of fishes.”
- Arab proverb quoted in ‘The Fourth Crusade’ by Jonathan Phillips

“Stupidity got us into this … why can’t it get us out?”
- Rob Davenport’s sig line on the Traveller Mailing List

“Bard. Can’t fight. Can’t sneak. Can dance a little.”
- Caption from Bohemian Word Works website

“What you have [are guys] in Tough Armor bearing Weapons of Mass Character Re-Rolling.”
- Douglas Berry on the Traveller Mailing List defining Imperial Marines.

“When in doubt, empty the magazine.”
- Sticker on the bumper of a Pajero 4x4 seen in Henderson

“Our Mission Statement:
Encourage growth in all sectors by ensuring the development of integrated cross-functional resources and crush all opposition by whatever means necessary.”
- Mission Statement of the Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow website- copyright Loren K. Wiseman

“This demonstrates the advantage of being perceived as devious: No one can tell when you’re being devious or just stupid.”
- Traveller the New Era: Aliens of the Rim Vol 1

“Of course, since Gary [Gygax] is now DMing the universe, we can expect life to be more interesting. (I'm personally hoping for a Mind Flayer invasion).”
- Alan Bradley on the Traveller Mailing List on the passing of Gary Gygax.

John: “With such a large party I will need to provide a suitable challenge. Something big and spikey, perhaps?”
Chris: “What? Like … a spike? Not much of a challenge – spikes are generally not self- propelled. Unless it’s an armoured, self-propelled anti-tank spike – then I will be worried …”
- Pre-roleplaying session discussion.

“Hollywood has led us to believe mail shirts were sold at the local Wal-mart for 2 eggs.”
- Leon Wu on the Traveller Mailing List

“Strangely, curiosity appears to kill only cats.”
- Traveller the New Era: Aliens of the Rim Vol 1

"The worst thing about being surrounded by morons is realizing that somehow they managed to surround you."
- Bob Andriola’s sig line on the Yahoo DBR list

“[Soldiers] are always whining about the dangers of being killed. They are such whimps now … I don’t think there is any point in having wars if that’s how you’re going to behave.”
- Actor Rupert Everett quoted in The Listener magazine

“You know, I like cats -- and lesbians -- but I really hate the Aslan more with each new reincarnation of the Trav setting/rules. Their whole Cat People of Mongo (Wherein It Rains) thing is one detraction, but what really puts me off is this whole cod-samurai shtick that's been accreting over years. All this freakin' "honor!" yelping - it's like some horrible Tekumel session staged with stuffed animals swiped from a Disney gift shop.”
- The ‘Sayat Menace’ on the Traveller Mailing List

“Bards. Sometimes useful. Always annoying.”
- Caption from Bohemian Word Works website

“Those would be good ideas if you weren't my *frakkin'* *GM*! Somebody bring me my battledress with the big flamethrowers!”
- Michael Jenkins on the Traveller Mailing List following a discussion about nasty life forms sneaking aboard starships

  1. "... and then come back and tell us if it's safe."
    "How will I know if it's safe?"
    "You'll come back."
  2. DM, reaching for a stack of dice: How close do you get to the Witherweed?
    Player: Hmm, not that close.
  3. "I'm so Good, I'm not going to punch you on the nose for that."
    - The Paladin responds to the insults of another member of the party.
  4. "They look a bit cut up."
    "They worship a local fatality God."
  5. “Should we radio a message ahead to the next planet of call and ask them to wait?”
    “We’re going through Deep Space. By the time the message gets there, we’ll have arrived there and left again and grown old and died."
  6. “What’s the usual procedure for dealing with ghosts?”
    “Running away!”
  7. “Stop this senseless violence – or I’ll kill him!”
  8. “I’m not attacking the berserker! I’m not a madman!”
    - Party members deciding who will attack whom during an encounter with ruffians.
  9. “He’s a cucumber eating ghost-spirit-ferret-man! It’s obvious!”
    Malcolm finally rolls a Wit Saving Throw, and his mouth slips out of gear.
  10. Player: OK, I panic fire at them.
    GM: This will empty your magazine.
    Player: Er, can I sorta half panic fire?
    GM: Oh, you mean like a severe anxiety fire?
  11. “This could be the worst ten minutes of my life.”
    “It could also be the last ten minutes of your life!”
  12. Player: “Why am I always the one to speak when I have the lowest WIT?”
    GM: “Well, that answers your question.”
  13. “It ancient custom from my planet. My birthday, I shout.”
    “You shout what?”
    “Happy birthday to me!”
  14. “Hopefully, by the time he catches up with us …”
    “... He’ll be really old.”
  15. “There’s no point going after the wargs. You’ll get nothing except, perhaps, some nice rugs.”
  16. “We don’t want no chooks in this man’s Navy!”
    GM’s comment (in suitable mock-John Wayne accent) on observing a player’s avian character fail its Navy enlistment roll.
  17. Player: “Can I attack from a prone position?”
    GM: “No, that would sorta be like break dancing.”
  18. “So, not so much a miracle, as more of a pleasant surprise.”
    Comment upon discovering that the Miracle, Cure Light Wounds, has in fact cured the smallest amount of damage possible.
  19. GM: How do you note the address?
    Player: Have I got a pencil?
    GM: Yes, but the lead is broken. You also have a pocketknife.
    Player: OK, I use the knife to cut the address in the paper.
    GM: Why don’t you just use the knife to sharpen the pencil?

Thanks to Berka at The Zhodani Base for the background nebula on this page.

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